image border bottom

Don’t You Dare Post This on Facebook

February 18, 2013 Author: Anthony Pacheco Category: Awesomesauce, The Craft, The Wife Unit  0 Comments

Anthony: Wow, I would have never caught this problem unless I saw the printed proof.

Wife Unit: What do you mean?

Anthony: (shows Wife Unit printed proof copy) See this font in the header on each page? It’s in small caps, but on the printer’s high-resolution printer 10pt Garamond in small caps looks washed out.

Wife Unit: It does look washed out.

Anthony: It’s the same font and size on the copyright page, but that looks fine. It must be the small caps at high res. (flips to copyright page) See?

Wife Unit: (pauses)

Wife Unit: (sobs)

Anthony: (?)

Wife Unit: (sobs)

Anthony: (a very confused man with a crying wife over a book’s copyright page)

Wife Unit: (sobs) That’s (sob) so (sob) sweet… (sob)

Anthony: (figures out the Wife Unit is crying over the Dedication of the book to her, which is the page opposite of the copyright page)

Anthony: (must not roll eyes must not roll eyes must not roll eyes)

Son #1: Why is mom crying?

Anthony: Because she’s a girl.

Wife Unit: Don’t you (sob) dare post (sob) this on Facebook (sob)!

Anthony: Of course.

crying woman

Re-post for a Re-Release

April 05, 2012 Author: Anthony Pacheco Category: Awesomesauce, The Wife Unit  0 Comments

A repost for you!

This day eleven years ago

There I was, dragged, dragged I say to the movie theater to see what would possibly be the chick flicks to end all check flicks. Titanic. The Wife Unit insisted on seeing the movie (when we still went out for movies), and so there we were.

At the time I was sitting there thinking “this has got to be the most retarded movie idea ever”. So, as the lights dim, I lean over to my wife and say, none to quietly,

“Hey, guess what?”

“What?” she asks.

“The ship sinks.”

Oh man I had the wit back then let me tell you.

Three things happen:

The two tweeners in front of us turn to me and I swear shoot TWEENER NINJA EYE DAGGERS (TNED) at me. You would think these maybe-pubescent girls would not know the infamous Female Glare of Doom yet, but I swear I squirmed in my seat and vaguely wondered for my safety. As they turned back, I crossed myself.

Then from behind me a guy (and a complete stranger no less), totally loses it. He starts laughing so hard I can’t help but turn and grin. He has tears streaming down his face. He wife/girlfriend/significant other/spousal equivalent turns in her seat and actually smacks him. TWACK. This shuts him up, and then she turns to me and gives me a look like “you’re next”. I wipe the grin off my face and turn back in my seat.

It’s the Wife Unit’s turn to glare, and LO I FEEL THE ICY ARMAGEDDON APPROACHETH (get it, icy, Titanic, iceberg… never mind). But then she says, raising her voice because some inane preview is on the screen,

“Be QUIET or I will COVER your eyes when they show Kate Winslet’s breasts.”

Well that got my attention.

“Uh, this movie has boobies?”

“Yes!”

“Kate Winslet’s breasts?”

(note even then one did not refer to Kate Winslet’s breasts as mere ‘boobs’)

“Yes! Now BE QUIET!”

Then from behind me I hear,

“Did that woman just say we get to see Kate Winslet’s breasts?”

Followed by a,

THWACK

Followed by the TWEENERS OF DOOM turning in their seats and going,

“Ssssshhhh!”

I am now watching this film with the utmost attention. And yes, the ship sinks.

The lights come on and I stand up because I believe my ears are going to bleed from the Celine Dion song. I turn to my partner in crime, the man behind me. I cannot contain my enthusiasm for this wonderful film. I cannot!

“I can’t belive we got to see Leonardo DiCaprio freeze to death!” I say.

“I can’t believe we got to see Kate Winslet TOTALLY NUDE, Dude!” he says.

We high-five each other, but simultaneously our body temperatures drop due to the combined ICY GLARES OF DOOM from four annoyed females who really really have to pee.

To this day, Best. Movie. Ever. Thus, when I think of that space between Christmas and New Years, I think of movie… magic.

WINNERS of THE IONIA SANCTION Advance Reader Copies!

October 23, 2011 Author: Anthony Pacheco Category: The Craft, The Wife Unit  3 Comments

Free stuff! For just dropping by and saying hello! How cool is that?

I used random.org to select my two winners.

  • The winner of the Virgin Never Before Read and Unspoiled by Human Hands ARC goes to Steph Schmidt
  • The winner of the Slightly Used By The Wife Unit ARC goes to Brandi Cruickshank

I’ve sent you two mail! Reply back with your address and you can read the book before of the Unwashed Masses(TM).

Damn, I love books.

Best,
Anthony

Win a Free ARC of Gary Corby’s The Ionia Sanction

October 18, 2011 Author: Anthony Pacheco Category: Awesomesauce, The Craft, The Wife Unit  10 Comments

Details below!

Athens, 460 B.C. Life’s tough for Nicolaos, the only investigating agent in ancient Athens. His girlfriend’s left him and his boss wants to fire him. But when an Athenian official is murdered, the brilliant statesman Pericles has no choice but to put Nico on the job.

The case takes Nico, in the company of a beautiful slave girl, to the land of Ionia within the Persian Empire. The Persians will execute him on the spot if they think he’s a spy. Beyond that, there are only a few minor problems:

He’s being chased by brigands who are only waiting for the right price before they kill him.

Somehow he has to placate his girlfriend, who is very angry about that slave girl.

He must meet Themistocles, the military genius who saved Greece during the Persian Wars, and then defected to the hated enemy.

And to solve the crime, Nico must uncover a secret that could not only destroy Athens, but will force him to choose between love, and ambition, and his own life.

I’m giving away not one but TWO Advanced Reader Copy’s of Gary Corby‘s The Ionia Sanction.

(one, two ARCS AH AH AH!)

All you have to do to win is:

**Comment below with your email

**Have a valid postal address somewhere in the world

That’s it. Don’t you love simplicity? I sure do!

I will randomly select two winners on Sunday, October 23.

I will put that copy in the mail on Monday. That version will be an virgin ARC, waiting for your hands in breathless anticipation.

The other copy will go out sometime next week after my lovely wife is done reading it.

Which leads me to “How Gary’s Book Almost Caused a Divorce,” by Anthony Pacheco, Rehabilitated Hack Writer.

See, there I was, innocently editing my latest novel, when I get an email from Gary. Gary asks hey, do you want an ARC or two for giveaways?

I’m sitting in The Writer Chair(TM) at home, and go something like “Ah, man.” This is where I get into trouble.

Wife Unit: What?

Anthony: Gary wants to send me an ARC of his next book.

Wife Unit: What’s an ARC?

Anthony: That’s an advanced reader’s copy, available before you can buy it. Normally for reviewers and promotional giveaways.

Wife Unit: Cool!

Anthony: Well, it’s my policy to not accept promotional material including ARCs for books I recommend.

Wife Unit: But this is Gary’s book.

Anthony: Yes.

Wife Unit: You know how much I liked the first one.

Anthony: Yes.

Wife Unit: And…

Anthony: And?

Wife Unit: …

Anthony: ?

Wife Unit: It’s a good thing this couch is really comfortable.

Anthony: Um…

Wife Unit: I’m sure you would not be the first husband banished to the couch over an “ARC.”

Anthony: Um…

Wife Unit: The dog could use some company downstairs. He can keep you warm.

Anthony: Um, I think I’ll tell Gary thanks, that is really nice of him and send him our address.

Wife Unit: Thank you, Husband.

Now this story does not end here. Today I get in the mail the two ARCs.

Wife Unit: Oh! My book! Yay!

Anthony: Who loves you?

Wife Unit: You do! But… I just thought of something. If I read the ARC now, I’ll just have to wait longer for the next book.

Anthony: …

Anthony: I am so blogging this.

From My Current Work in Progress

September 04, 2011 Author: Anthony Pacheco Category: The Craft, The Wife Unit  2 Comments

They called themselves the WBKC—The Whimsical Billionaire’s Knitters Club. There were ten of them, and this month’s business was the debacle of the sudden war, and wool-blend socks.

Ha ha ha!

Wife Unit Birthday Dinner

August 11, 2011 Author: Anthony Pacheco Category: Awesomesauce, Not Exactly Random, The Wife Unit  0 Comments

Serves either 4 (couple and two growing boys) or 6 adults. Yes, I really am this awesome.

Surf

Wild Alaskan King Salmon (1.75 to 2 pound)
Kosher salt
Fresh ground pepper
Lemon Juice

Cook in 400 F oven until done. Use no other seasonings. If you do, turn in your PNW Native card and move back east with the rest of the unwashed heathens.

Turf

Baked Garlic Chicken
Chicken (with skin) thighs and drumsticks
Season Salt
Old Bay spice
Garlic Powder

Spice the chicken. Cook uncovered in 425 oven for 33 minutes, then set oven 400 F and put salmon in. Salmon and chicken will be done at the same time.

Comfort Food

Pan fried oysters
Medium or large oysters (2 jars or shucked)
½ cup Italian herb breadcrumbs
½ cup flour

Pat dry the oysters with paper towels. Mix the flour and breadcrumbs. Coat the oysters. Do not seasons unless using  plain breadcrumbs. Fry in pan in canola oil at medium-high heat.

Salad

Seasonal Spinach Salad
Fresh apricots
Fresh raspberries
Fresh strawberries
2 avocados
Spinach
Candied walnuts
Crumbled blue cheese
Blue cheese dressing
Fresh ground pepper

Theoretically, this can be an entire meal. Mix ingredients in large salad bowl, except the avocado and blue cheese dressing, which is served on the side (most people decline to put dressing on this salad)

Bread

Rosemary round loaf
Sourdough round loaf

Serve with soft, unsalted butter

Wine

Serve with a very chided Louis Jadot Chardonnay or slightly chilled Pinot Noir

Cake!

Chocolate
Cream cheese chocolate frosting (various recipes)

The Quiet Intensity of Falling to Pieces

February 21, 2011 Author: Anthony Pacheco Category: Plot, The Craft, The Wife Unit  2 Comments

I’ve given up on hit stats, and gauge my blog posts in how they connect with readers in three ways, in order of increasing popularity:

  • Did anyone comment?
  • Did anyone send me mail?
  • Did anyone link my post on their blog and comment?

The link is the Holy Grail of popularity indicators. While my post yesterday did not generate any links, it sure hit a nerve. It took one reader by surprise, and even the Wife Unit told me I needed to put warning labels on things like that.

Heh. Insert sheepish grin here. Whoops. Someone emailed me and asked why I wrote that. Why indeed.

Quite simply, my work-in-progress is kicking my ass. This novel is, unfortunately, a creative and emotional vampire.

Contemporary Young Adult was never on my horizon. I love reading it, I just never saw myself writing it. My love for genre fiction is deep, and more than that, I have such fun writing science fiction and fantasy. But when the plot for this novel hit me along-side the head, I knew I had to drop everything and write it.

The emotional intensity of my work-in-progress is high. The situation my main characters find themselves in is as absurd as it is heartbreaking, and as I approach the ending the intensity and emotional impact increases dramatically. I find myself in need of a creative outlet in order to not, um, explode or something. Because that would be messy.

I wrote The Pilot simply as a need to express the emotions bleeding from my work-in-progress. It was write it or fall to pieces.

Yes, that post was merely spill-over.

Wife Unit Christmas Poll

November 27, 2010 Author: Anthony Pacheco Category: Not Exactly Random, The Wife Unit  5 Comments

Dear 9.3 Readers,

The Wife Unit was very specific this year. She wanted a spinning wheel. Not just any spinning wheel, but a certain make and model. Since a spinning wheel is a handy thing that can pay for itself, and the fact that she wanted it, I of course, great hubby that I am, got her the spinning wheel that she wanted.

So far, so good.

Except, the wheel was shipped from Spokane and arrived the very next day that I ordered it.

My plan is to wrap that sucker and stick it under the tree.

The Wife Unit, of course, thinks this is spousal snarkitude and wants to use the wheel now.

Thus, I leave the entire question of the Spinning Wheel Christmas Question entirely in your hands! Vote below. Voting closes December 2nd.

 

So Blogging This, Part V

October 27, 2010 Author: Anthony Pacheco Category: Awesomesauce, The Craft, The Wife Unit  3 Comments

[12:52:52 PM] heatherpa: I finished Gary’s book

[12:52:58 PM] heatherpa: When is the next coming out?

[12:54:35 PM] Anthony Pacheco: LOL

[12:54:40 PM] Anthony Pacheco: same time next year

[12:54:47 PM] heatherpa: but but but…

[12:54:56 PM] Anthony Pacheco: Once a year

[12:55:01 PM] Anthony Pacheco: He is working on book 3?

[12:55:08 PM] heatherpa: sigh you writers….

[12:55:15 PM] heatherpa: what do you do with your time? Write faster!

[12:55:26 PM] Anthony Pacheco: OMG I am so blogging this.