A New Book Opening
“Ender, my lover I had a fling with seven months ago, just told me she was pregnant with my child, a pretty neat trick considering I’m a woman.”
This entry was posted on February 4, 2010. It was filed under The Craft and was tagged with I love doing this. LOVE..
9 Responses
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Not sure the “my lover…ago” phrase is necessary. Or the name. And I think you need a “that” in there.
I’m thinking either
The lover I had a fling with seven months ago just told me she was pregnant with my child–a pretty neat trick considering that I’m a woman
or
My ex-lover just told me she was pregnant with my child–a pretty neat trick considering that I’m a woman
That first comma or two just kills the flow of the sentence.
BUT
that said, it totally makes me want to read the next sentence, so good job!
February 4, 2010 at 5:55 pm
Yeah, there is something stylistically off with the sentence structure, but I am unsure what direction to go… for now.
February 4, 2010 at 8:42 pm
Brilliant, Anthony. I like it the way it is. Shows a certain style.
February 4, 2010 at 6:05 pm
(blush)
February 4, 2010 at 8:38 pm
Man, what a way to deflate the excitement of starting a new project.
February 4, 2010 at 6:17 pm
I am somewhat confused by your comment, Annie.
February 4, 2010 at 8:41 pm
I’m still waiting to read the intro for your last novel, though admittedly you’ve got me interested
February 4, 2010 at 9:07 pm
“My PTSD therapist told me, before he died and broke my heart, that, despite my aggressive desire for justice and a physiological and pathological need for constant sex, I was a caring, nurturing woman.
Then he died and for some reason, I could not cry at his funeral, and I never forgave myself.”
Almost done proofreading.
February 5, 2010 at 10:50 am
yipee!
February 5, 2010 at 5:34 pm