“Ender, my lover I had a fling with seven months ago, just told me she was pregnant with my child, a pretty neat trick considering I’m a woman.”
“Ender, my lover I had a fling with seven months ago, just told me she was pregnant with my child, a pretty neat trick considering I’m a woman.”
Not sure the “my lover…ago” phrase is necessary. Or the name. And I think you need a “that” in there.
I’m thinking either
The lover I had a fling with seven months ago just told me she was pregnant with my child–a pretty neat trick considering that I’m a woman
or
My ex-lover just told me she was pregnant with my child–a pretty neat trick considering that I’m a woman
That first comma or two just kills the flow of the sentence.
BUT
that said, it totally makes me want to read the next sentence, so good job!
Yeah, there is something stylistically off with the sentence structure, but I am unsure what direction to go… for now.
Brilliant, Anthony. I like it the way it is. Shows a certain style.
(blush)
Man, what a way to deflate the excitement of starting a new project.
I am somewhat confused by your comment, Annie.
I’m still waiting to read the intro for your last novel, though admittedly you’ve got me interested
“My PTSD therapist told me, before he died and broke my heart, that, despite my aggressive desire for justice and a physiological and pathological need for constant sex, I was a caring, nurturing woman.
Then he died and for some reason, I could not cry at his funeral, and I never forgave myself.”
Almost done proofreading.
yipee!