“Ender, my lover I had a fling with seven months ago, just told me she was pregnant with my child, a pretty neat trick considering I’m a woman.”
Posted by: Anthony | February 4, 2010
A New Book Opening
Posted in The Craft | Tags: I love doing this. LOVE.
Not sure the “my lover…ago” phrase is necessary. Or the name. And I think you need a “that” in there.
I’m thinking either
The lover I had a fling with seven months ago just told me she was pregnant with my child–a pretty neat trick considering that I’m a woman
or
My ex-lover just told me she was pregnant with my child–a pretty neat trick considering that I’m a woman
That first comma or two just kills the flow of the sentence.
BUT
that said, it totally makes me want to read the next sentence, so good job!
By: iapetus999 on February 4, 2010
at 5:55 pm
Yeah, there is something stylistically off with the sentence structure, but I am unsure what direction to go… for now.
By: Anthony on February 4, 2010
at 8:42 pm
Brilliant, Anthony. I like it the way it is. Shows a certain style.
By: Lady Glamis on February 4, 2010
at 6:05 pm
(blush)
By: Anthony on February 4, 2010
at 8:38 pm
Man, what a way to deflate the excitement of starting a new project.
By: Annie on February 4, 2010
at 6:17 pm
I am somewhat confused by your comment, Annie.
By: Anthony on February 4, 2010
at 8:41 pm
I’m still waiting to read the intro for your last novel, though admittedly you’ve got me interested
By: J.C on February 4, 2010
at 9:07 pm
“My PTSD therapist told me, before he died and broke my heart, that, despite my aggressive desire for justice and a physiological and pathological need for constant sex, I was a caring, nurturing woman.
Then he died and for some reason, I could not cry at his funeral, and I never forgave myself.”
Almost done proofreading.
By: Anthony on February 5, 2010
at 10:50 am
yipee!
By: J.C on February 5, 2010
at 5:34 pm