Undercover Assignment Gone Bad, in the Year 21
This is just too delicious to not share.
In the future, undercover work is rare because crime is so low. Most crimes are solved by private parties, but sometimes the stakeholders hire an official Investigator. As we saw in the previous post, Princess Lexus, an official Investigator with powers granted to her by the Federation Constitution, isn’t suited to undercover work, but does have an advantage on this assignment because, through a series of very unfortunate events from the prior story, she has the body of a seventeen-year-old girl.
Here, we find out that just when the Princess thinks things can’t get any worse, they do. Now would be a good time to place bets on how long she can go without shooting someone.
***
“Well, if I get in, I think we underestimated the amount of money dripping from Rosehill. I think I need a car,” I tell Scott and Gina over dinner.
“I think we need to see your first evaluations before agreeing to that,” says Gina.
“Do you even know how to drive?” asks Scott.
“You two need to fuck off and die,” I glare. “I’ve had a bad day.”
Gina gives me what I’m internally labeling the Patented Evil Gina Grin. Since Bambi & Associates are actually paying her to help with my cover story by pretending to be my guardian, I feel she could cut me some slack.
But no. “How bad could it be?” she snickers.
“Well, for one, I was grilled by stuck-up snots, and then grilled by nerdy snots, followed by a grilling by super-smart perverted snots. I think I deserve a car.”
I continue my gypsy glare, with implied thoughts of old-world curses. “And ice-cream.”
Gina laughs and gets up to get me my richly deserved desert.
Scott points to the kitchen clock. “Priss is going active soon, so don’t forget cover.”
Mmmmmmm, oh yeah, Priss. Suddenly my evening is looking up.
Ding-Beep, Ding-Beep.
We all look at each other, and because I’m wearing contacts, I simply sub-vocalize to my pod, which accesses the newly installed house computer, and I flip to the outside driveway camera.
In a bright red little convertible Toyota, is Beth, hair in a ponytail, big grin on her face.
“Well isn’t she blonde,” says Gina.
“Boooooooobies,” says Scott.
“Hey! She’s nice. You both are to be on your best, stoic, bloodless CEO behavior. Do not embarrass me in front of my new classmates. Keep your questions to a minimum. Scott, don’t leer, and Gina, stop smirking.”
“Oh my God,” says Gina. “You are such a teen daughter.”
“Wow, you’re a natural,” Scott says, nodding.
“Again: Fuck off and die.”
I hate this assignment. Hate, hate, hate.
***
“Beth! How nice of you to drop by,” I say at the door, motioning her inside.
Against my will, my eyes flick to her impressive cleavage, and then drop to what she is holding out at me. Flowers.
Oh, shit. Expensive orchids. I feel grateful, guilty, afraid and happy, all at the same time.
“Oh! Those are so pretty!” I tell her with a bright smile.
“They are for you. Congratulations, if you want in, we would love to have you in the squad.” Her smile is genuine, warm and friendly.
My instincts are to pop her on the jaw, key the door, and run out the back screaming.
Instead, I grab the flowers, throw my arms around her in a hug, and squeal like a girl while jumping up and down.
She giggles and hugs me back.
Scott and Gina are there, looking, amazing enough, like parents.
“Beth, this is Scott and Gina, my guardians.”
“Please to meet you both. Ms. Gina, is this a five acre lot? Your place is awesome.”
“Indeed it is. Did I just hear you offer a position on your squad to Nancy?”
“Yes, you did. We are happy to have her! It’s like way cool!”
“Oh, Honey, that’s wonderful! That’s just what you wanted,” says Gina, giving me a hug.
Awwwww… Okay. This isn’t so bad.
“Can I offer you something to drink, Beth?” asks Scott, playing the part.
“Um, no, actually, I’m on a deadline and I might need to borrow your daughter, if she agrees.”
Oh, this can’t be good.
“What up?” I ask.
“This will all be explained in the school manual and mail I will send you, but Alpha Squad has screwed up. They are unable to furnish a girl for FSMB, so the position fell to Beta, that’s us. Since I’m already in FSMB, if we can furnish another body, we’ll get enough points to go from Beta to Alpha and the academic year hasn’t even officially started yet. It will be a major upset and a big win for us. There are perks involved on being the top dog.”
“FSMB?” I ask. I am confused.
“Oh, sorry—Flying Squirrel Morale Boosters. The football cheerleading squad.”
Oh, hell no.
“Ah,” says Scott before I can open my mouth, “Nancy was just talking over dinner how she always wanted to be a cheerleader.”
Right there, a little part of my brain just died. Scott! Oh. My. Fucking. God.
“I don’t know,” says Gina, “pre-voc is already going to be a big enough transition.” She looks at me. “I don’t want you to get overloaded right out of the gate, Pumpkin.”
Go, Gina!
“Ms. Gina, we’re so academically based, we’re like the worst cheerleading squad in the PNW. We only practice for an hour on Wednesdays, and the only other commitment from that is the actual game on Fridays. And this is only during football season.”
“Oh, well, then, that sounds fine.” She turns to me. “Congratulations, Honey!”
No. No. No. No!
“Nancy, are you okay?” Beth is looking at me with concern.
“Oh, sorry. This is all very sudden, it’s like I’m in a dream and if I blink my eyes, I will wake up!”
Yeah, like a fucking nightmare.
Beth is tugging on my sleeve. “Let’s go, Pumpkin, tomorrow all the team cheerleaders have to wear their uniforms on campus, so we need to have yours fitted and cut now!”
As Beth is dragging me out the door and Scott takes the flowers to put in water, a circular thought fills my head and consumes me like my prior snorf and sex addiction:
I suck.
