This Lack of Self-Confidence is Inexcusable
In the world of writing, the lack of self-confidence drags the online community. Pardon me while I step out of the poo pit.
Tangent Alert: I am going to talk about writing, self-confidence, strippers, fear and #queryfail
I think.
I frequently see a lack of self-confidence, mainly because I received training to spot it (a long story).
A lack of self-esteem will hork (and hork is a technical term) writing. It is an automatic fail. If a writer sits around thinking of perceptions of what people think of her, how she is or was treated, or other such deviations from the core of her center (and they are deviations), she is wasting time putting words to paper and wasting time showing them to other people.
Self-confidence issues have roots in many things, like sucky parents (and sucky is a technical term). Harsh? Certainly. Just ask Kitty the Stripper, as she gyrates her sex for dollar bills, about her relationship with her father. Every one of those girls is some man’s daughter.
Am I stretching it thin, comparing writers and strippers? It’s not a comparison—it’s a scale. At one end of the scale, you have people like me. My confidence borders on arrogance. I am the big rock sitting in the raging stream. Eventually, the water will wither me away, but for now, I laugh at the cold liquid as it attempts to move me. Ha ha!
In the middle, is the writer questioning why he is writing, why he is querying agents, etc. And on the other end of the scale is poor Kitty. So here I am, the Mr. Rock, looking down the line past Hesitant Writer at Little Ms. Kitty. I have a lot of sympathy for Kitty. Her pain of rejection radiates from the very center of her existence and is a shadow.
And you, Hesitant Writer? I have little sympathy for you. You, I want to put a boot in your ass to wake you up to the world as it exists.
Fear and poor self-esteem belong together. They are inseparable and they feed off each other like a perverted Yin and Yang. The foundation of this fear is a poor image of self. This fear is prevalent in the online writing community; look no further than the responses to #queryfail.
Some people complained about #queryfail without reading the Twitter feed for it. These people are dorks, so we can just shove them in the Dork Bin. Others thought it was funny, some neutral while others either were saddened or offended that their query could somehow make it to the big FAIL bin of Twitter for all to see. And they complained. My God, did they complain.
Me? I was pissed. Royally torqued (and torqued is a technical term). My professional query will fall into the same inbox as that utter crap? Are you kidding me?!
No, they were not.
But I digress. When reading the responses to #queryfail on various blogs, there is much fear wrapped around querying. #queryfail simply spotlighted this prevalence. Fear of query rejection. Fear agents will print out a query and snicker at you personally in a posh office while sipping Johnny Walker Blue and eating Godiva dark chocolates. Fear of never being published. Fearing failure—where each rejection a certification one is a failure, both as a writer and a person.
This fear is a lack, a lack of self-confidence.
Either a novelist is worthy of publication or is not.
How do you know if you are a writer, much less worthy of publication?
Write a novel. Send in a professional query. Get rejected. Repeat while writing book number two. You’re not going to stop writing are you? If you do, you’re not a novel writer, much less one worthy of publication.
Finish book two. Send in a professional query. Many times. Start book number three.
Here we come to the Big Life Altering Scary Fork in the Road. At some point, book number one or two is either going to get an agent, or it is not.
If you get an agent, congratulations. You are an agented writer!
If you fail to get an agent, forget about how that makes you feel. Do you want to finish the book you are writing on, indeed, must finish it because it is a burning need? Yes? Congratulations. You are a writer. Your passion for writing is boundless. You are an artist comfortable with her craft. Writing is what you do for fun. It is enjoyable. Someday you may see your book in print, but then again not.
If there is no passion at this fork in the road to continue, simply take an objective look—do you feel like you are wasting your time? Is something more interesting to you? If so, writing is probably not your thing. Go find your thing.
But if you simply don’t want to go on because you are afraid that you’ll get rejected yet again—but the passion to write is still there—you have problems. Your problem could be your writing sucks. And well, we can all learn to be better writers. That problem is fixable and by the continuation of writing, you can improve.
Most likely, your primary problem is you are a writer, but you let fear, not logic, drive a decision.
If a lack of self-confidence did this, what else is it doing? How far do its roots go? Just what are you afraid of, and why? And what the hell is it doing to your writing?
Is the decision to be a novelist this simple—set aside the fear and just keep writing?
Yes, it is.
Lack of self-confidence is understandable, but ultimately, inexcusable. I have more respect for Kitty the Stripper than I do for the writer who let something as simple as publication (querying/getting an agent/being critiqued) affect her passion for writing. At least Kitty put herself out there for the world to see, and is more honest about it.
Well said! I really liked how you added strippers into your rant too.
March 17, 2009 at 12:55 pm
“Is the decision to be a novelist this simple—set aside the fear and just keep writing?
Yes, it is.”
Listen to this man, folks… he knows stuff. Stuff you’d be wise to listen to.
Me thinks.
March 17, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I amused myself by seeing how many things in failed queries applied to my novel. And how many things didn’t. I hope they don’t let the chorus of moan-bodies dissaude them from doing another one.
March 17, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Amen, and preach it bruthaIt irritated the hell out of me listening to the steady stream of udder offal generated by #queryfail. If you’re a writer, you needn’t worry about if/and/when you’re going to experience rejection. Rejection properly defined equals wrong editor/agent/cute girl at the wrong time for the wrong magazine/book line/questionable erotic rendezvous. Seriously, go write something else. Stop standing by the mailbox (either physical or virtual) and write your next book. You take what you learn from your failures on the current book and apply it to the NEXT. BOOK. Go forth and find water and fertilizer, and shine up your green thumb. Do this, and you may grow a pair.Grow a pair and try again.End of commiserate rant.
March 17, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I wish people would stop writing things to encourage writers to try and try again to get published when one knows, no matter what, they are fighting a losing battle… I wish people would stop lying and tell us the truth!
March 17, 2009 at 3:40 pm
I do not understand your comment in context to my post.
March 17, 2009 at 4:35 pm
It looks to me that EVA is suggesting that: “You’re going to fail anyway, so why bother even trying? And stop encouraging others to try!”
Sorry, but I don’t and will NEVER subscribe to that point of view.
March 17, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Nicely put.
March 17, 2009 at 4:17 pm
You identified yourself as having a self-confidence level in the range of arrogance. Geez, I wonder where that puts me? I’m often down-right hated for my determination and confidence level. If self-confidence and arrogance were “the force”, then Anthony and I are your friendly neighborhood Sith Lords.
Success isn’t something you wait for… it’s something you go out there and TAKE.
March 17, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Oh man, I am a Sith. I am a Sith. I have been set free, I am a Sith.
Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.
March 17, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Wow. I’m a bloody writer and I have no words for your awesome. I want to have your babies. (Not really, because I’d make a terrible mother and don’t want kids and am already married to a like-minded individual, but I’m told this is what you say to a guy who rocks the awesome. And you, sir, ROCK THE AWESOME!)
March 17, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I would blush, but I am a Sith. Sith do not blush.
March 17, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Oh, and Dark Side FTW. Cookie?
March 17, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I think I have low self-esteem… but not so low as to worry about how stuff like Query Fail offends people.
I don’t think it should offend people. I found it kind of funny.
I think my low self esteem comes in the form of looking at people like that, laughing, and saying, “I’m fail, but I’m not that fail.” And worrying about how I’m not deep enough because the plots of all the shows I watch go right over my head and all I understand is the pretty stuff.
But I don’t let that get in the way of writing.
(+ I think the people’s responses to stuff like Queryfail comes partially from the thing I’ve heard repeated so much that people who are the ones annoying the crap out of everyone they meet and being generally stupid are never the ones who think they’re that type. The “If you worry that you’re this person, it’s not you”. The people who complain about Query Fail see nothing wrong with the queries posted there. Either that, or they’re far too sensitive/compassionate/whatever.)
Sorry for going on so long. *goes back to writing that novel*
March 18, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Hello Sith/Anthony, Nice boot camp post. I’ve heard of queryfail, but the day after it happened. A lot of people get their panties in a wad over what other people think, but of course only when it’s negative. In the end the only opinion that matters is your own and it can only matter if you’re honest. It helps not to personally identify with every damn thing you write. One more thing, what the hell ever happened to the primary survival tool of all avaricious writers, their sense of humour?
March 18, 2009 at 1:47 pm
I agree, when people are afraid, humor goes out the window.
I bought out #queryfail only to illustrate the dysfunctional image of self is a big drag. I for one am getting tired of it.
People forget that the interwebs (and interwebs is a technical term) also magnifies deficiencies, not just efficiencies. Thus (and Sith like to use the word ‘thus”), what is going on is a bad feedback loop of negativity. I have anxiety over my future query letter because I might make a grammar mistake and look like a dork. I do not have anxiety because somehow a rejection is a rejection of me, as a person. But it goes beyond rejection. People are making choices not based on a evaluation of reality. Instead, they are making stuff up in their head, like the id is wearing a tinfoil hat while the ego is drinking the kool-aid. It drives me nuts.
I could go on how entitlement is wrapped up into this, but, as a Sith, I am obligated to work behind the scenes in subversion. And don’t get me started on how the Rule of Two was the ultimate Policy Fail.
March 18, 2009 at 2:40 pm
I seem to cycle — and no female jokes here, Sith Lord — and it’s rather annoying: I go from being all cocky and like, “I so totally pwn this” to being like, “I’m so totally pathetic.” I work really hard at hovering somewhere in the middle, which would, I think, put me not at hesitant but more at determined with dangerous levels of humility. *sigh* it’s all a crazy game we play, but i suppose we’re here because it’s a passion.
(ps: awesome post; loved it)
March 20, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Do you stop writing during these bouts of feeling pathetic?
If not, well, you’re just a reflective person. That’s what writers do!
If you stop writing, then there is an issue here. I suggest breaking the cycle of self-depreciation using distraction followed by quickly getting back to your writing routine.
Least you think I am a going to stop there, I am not. I can be both crass and, as you noted, a brat. I assert one of the benefits of marriage, for the writer, is getting laid when feeling blue about writing. Indeed, it is hard to feel blue about anything when the only thought in one’s mind is *squeak*.
I am not a therapist, but I did sleep in a Holiday Inn. No need to thank me for this valuable advice, that’s just the kind of guy that I am.
March 21, 2009 at 8:56 am
I agree completely. We write because we need to write.. if we get published.. even better.. but either way we write..
I’ve met several “writers” who won’t let anyone see their work. This I don’t understand. Whether we plan to publish it or not, does writing do any good sitting in a closet? Should a painter paint and then hide it? It’s definitely a hurdle the first time you share your work, but if you never do, I don’t think you’re a writer.
Either way, I still feel sorry for Kitty…
March 23, 2009 at 12:57 pm