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Wife Unit Snark

January 23, 2009  Author: Anthony Pacheco Category: The Wife Unit   7 Comments

I am mostly Snark and Sarcasm, which is a nice way of saying I mostly talk before thinking. This gets me into trouble. This method of my personality does have its advantages, however. For example, I keep nothing bottled up inside. It just goes, for good or ill.

The Wife Unit, on the other hand, saves her Snark for a devastating knockout blow.

Let me give you an example.

Like any healthy man, I have a fine appreciation for the female form. We all know my vaguely Uncle Pervy fascination with baristas, mainly because they are young and cute and nubile and pretty. What is there not to like? You can also give them money, and they will give you coffee in return! Amazing! They are so cute, I just want to nibble on them nom nom nom nom… oh wait, sorry. Back to the post.

On a recent family trip, I am driving the mini-van.

Now I hate the mini-van, but for various esoteric reasons concerning Washington State laws and pistols (one stored in my pistol case in my luggage), I need to drive from the hotel to the Grandparents’ house. Along the way, we stop at the local drive-through coffee shack.

Now it takes a very punchy barista to flirt with a man with his wife in the car, so the coffee exchange is pleasant and business-like, as it should be. I have some tact. Mostly.

Then across the shack, in the other coffee window, a Rescue vehicle pulls up. Mr. Fireman is all smiles.

No wonder—it was like the dinner bell at Mr. Happy’s Rottweiler Puppy Ranch. No sooner did he roll down the window them FOOM! Instant chatty baristas, both of whom made every effort to impress and be friendly. Swear to God, and I am not making this up, their breasts grow larger, their cheeks flush, their voices go lower, and their eyelashes get longer (bat bat bat).

At some point, they remember that I had indeed ordered coffee for my spouse and me, so I get about thirty seconds of attention with my coffee before being abandoned for Mr. Buff Handsome.

As we are pulling away, the Wife Unit is all a-grin.

“What?” I ask.

“Flirting denied!”

“Hey now.”

“Older man Flirt FAIL.”

“Sush!”

“Burly guy in Fire Truck, One. Daddy in mini-van, Zero!”

“Quit it!”

“You want to come back in a half an hour when he is gone?”

“No!”

“He he he.”

Harrumph.

7 comments on: Wife Unit Snark

  1. bjkeltz January 23, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    Wow. Um…sorry. That had to hurt. Your harem are not baristas (as far as I know) but we will flirt if required. 🙂 Right after The Wife Unit gives permission, of course, hehehe

  2. Anthony January 23, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    Oh my gosh, the last thing I need is more flirting in my life!

  3. Peter January 28, 2009 at 11:21 am

    Nice…

    I may have to start drinking coffee..

    Or become a fireman.. 🙂

  4. jschancellor January 1, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Holy shite, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read all week. Thank you SOO much for sharing! I was once one of those nubile baristas, long before I became the embittered sarcastic author I am now…and I very clearly recall flirting and getting extra tips and loving every minute of it. 🙂

    Nice.

    Oh, and great blog, by the way. I’m linking because it’s nice to see someone as smart ass as I am.

  5. jschancellor January 2, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    Heh. No, sorry, no such search. Don’t recall how I found your blog, actually. It involved two shots of rum, more than enough snark to fill a snark tank in the Smart Ass Aquarium, and aimless wandering. And now here I am.

    In case you get bored (judging by your wit, I doubt it happens often), feel free to stop by my blog. It’s dry and boring…minus all of the free porn.

    Just kidding, it really isn’t all that boring.

    http://www.jschancellor.wordpress.com

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